Adam_Self Portrait

I sit and I watch them walk the halls, there are times of quiet, there are times of screaming and times of tears.

I look into their eyes and see the fear, sadness, emptiness, confusion and I just want to hug them and tell them it is okay they have not been forgotten and we are there for them.  But wait not all of them can deal with a touch or want to talk.

Then there are times I just wish they would leave me alone and stop screaming, stop talking and find some one else to talk to as I am here to get me better, I cannot help anyone else, not at the moment anyway.

Then there are my loved ones visiting me, calling me, supporting me, I love them and appreciate it.  Then something inside me changes and I scream at them, I push them away, they don’t understand, I am a burden, why don’t they listen, why don’t they understand.

If you could see inside my head you would see the same fear, sadness, emptiness and confusion that I see in their eyes.  I am but a heartbeat away from walking the halls with them.

Why am I here, I am in the early part of my journey, so I am not sure why I feel this way.  Was it my experiences as a child, my first marriage breakdown, my sons being taken away from me, my second relationship breakdown, my work, my fault….you get the picture.  I know it is life and a stronger person would have bundled these things and “sucked it up” and “got on with it”.

I am tired, I am lonely, I am scared, I am angry, I just can’t do this anymore and I absolutely cannot “suck it up” and definitely cannot “get on with it”.  But here I sit determined to do what ever I need to do to get better for myself and my children.

Some will judge, some will laugh, some will say “see, told you he was a nut bar”, some will be embarrassed and not know what to say or do and some, well some just won’t even think about it.

Know that anyone who suffers mental illness is a person just like you, a person who has an illness, who has lost their way and just needs space to find their way back with the help of professionals.

I say all this because I know I was a heart beat away from driving into that tree, from walking the hallways with no hope, from pushing away everything that matters to me.

I ask for your understanding, your support and your empathy and more importantly not to call me a “nut bar”.  I may look strong and some say scary, but that is a façade so you don’t know what I feel, what I think and what I have become.

Look deeper and you will see a child who has lost his children who is fighting hard to be a person who he likes.

If you see me in the hall way, smile and say hello, don’t look away and if you are really strong ask if I am ok….who knows it could be a good day and you might see the real me.

Story and picture of a person who is suffering depression and beginning their journey of recovery.